I recently heard a friend of mine say, "This certainly isn't what I thought my life was going to be like." She was having some marital problems and was frustrated. What I wanted to say was, "Well, join the club!" But that's not what I said.
Frustrated expectations are the grounds of every divorce, separation, split-up, even argument or disagreement. That's a pretty radical statement, but just think about it. We all have our own idea about how things should happen. And when our expectations are not met, there is disappointment. That is life.
Now we can react to these disappointments in different ways. We can smile, frown, laugh derisively, grit our teeth, scream hysterically, shrug our shoulders, play the martyr, pray, rehash it over and over in our minds, curse, throw something, forgive, take a walk, count to ten, think about an act of violence, or even commit an act of violence. We choose. Then we experience the consequences.
In marriage the consequences can be disastrous if the wrong choice is made. But choose we must. Because disappointments happen almost daily. If we're experiencing disastrous consequences, we can also choose to change our choices. Even if our bad choices have become habits, we can work to change them. And we can let our spouses know that.
We can also commit ourselves to looking at our disappointments as God's appointments (a concept from Kay Arthur). He is, after all, sovereign and as such, wants to use all things in our lives - good and bad - to bring about good for us. Even when we don't get it. He is faithful to bring good from bad - always. Even when we don't see it right then.
We can trust Him even when we don't feel like we can trust our spouse - or ourselves. When we ask for help He always responds. And for that we can be grateful.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Annoyance and Irritation
If there are not times when your spouse annoys and/or irritates you, I question if you're actually breathing. Ok, so maybe it's just that it's one of my weaknesses, but I think most of us discover that there are things about our spouses that annoy and irritate us - things we may have been totally unaware of before we married.
The question then becomes - what are you going to do about it? Are you going to dwell on it, letting your anger and imagination go wild? Or are you going to remind yourself that there might actually be things about yourself that are annoying and irritating to your spouse? Over the years, I have discovered that the latter approach is best.
I also like to remind myself of all the wonderful qualities about my spouse - the things that attracted me to him in the first place. Somehow, it's easy to let those become lost in a river of discontent. It all has to do with attitude. I can have an attitude of gratitude for the good things or an attitude of ungratefulness, disappointment, and self-absorption. We get to choose.
As one who has experienced both attitudes, may I assure you that life is sweeter when we focus on the positive and commit the rest to the only One Who can do anything about it!
Philippians 4:8 - "Finally, brethren, whatever is good, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things."
The question then becomes - what are you going to do about it? Are you going to dwell on it, letting your anger and imagination go wild? Or are you going to remind yourself that there might actually be things about yourself that are annoying and irritating to your spouse? Over the years, I have discovered that the latter approach is best.
I also like to remind myself of all the wonderful qualities about my spouse - the things that attracted me to him in the first place. Somehow, it's easy to let those become lost in a river of discontent. It all has to do with attitude. I can have an attitude of gratitude for the good things or an attitude of ungratefulness, disappointment, and self-absorption. We get to choose.
As one who has experienced both attitudes, may I assure you that life is sweeter when we focus on the positive and commit the rest to the only One Who can do anything about it!
Philippians 4:8 - "Finally, brethren, whatever is good, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things."
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
About My Title
So in case you're wondering why I chose the title, "Married Mortals", I thought I'd explain. It's because - wait for it - your marriage is not perfect!!! I know, if you've been married for more than 24 hrs., you probably already know that. But it is SO important to realize that the reason your marriage is not perfect is because you are not perfect - nor is your spouse.
We are all imperfect human beings. No matter how much we try, how much advice or counseling we get, or how old we are or how many years we've been married, we are going to mess up. A lot! And if you cannot forgive each other - a lot - you're in trouble. And if you think you don't mess up, ask your spouse. But be willing to HEAR and ACCEPT the answer.
Sometimes it is not easy to forgive. But forgiving really has nothing to do with feelings. You can be mad as can be at your spouse, but you can still forgive by an act of your will. The key is to remember how much you've been forgiven. If you're a Christian, that makes it much easier, because you know how much God has forgiven you. Besides that, if you're a Christian, forgiving is not an option. Read - or reread - Matthew 6:14-15 and Matthew 18:21-35. That pretty much says it all. And the only way we can forgive is with God's forgiveness. And He loves to help us with that! Thank goodness!
If you're not a Christian, please consider what Christ has done for you. He willingly died on the cross in your place in order to pay the penalty that is due for your sins. He was the perfect, sinless Sacrifice and God accepted that. So everything's been done in order for you to be forgiven for ALL your sins - no matter what they are - past, present and future. All God requires you to do is TRUST or BELIEVE in what Christ has done and change the direction of your life by turning to Him as your own personal Savior and Lord. That's it. Easy enough for a child to do.
So always remember that we're all just a bunch of dirty, rotten sinners. If you're a Christian, you are forgiven when you ask God for forgiveness - as is anyone. But we still live in our dirty, rotten flesh, which still rears its ugly head and wants - maybe even demands - its own way. Or it may be gloating in false self-righteousness. So we just have to remind ourselves that we were crucified with Christ so we can live for Him. And living for Him means forgiving - no matter how hard - just like Christ did on the cross: "Then Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.'" Luke 23:34
We are all imperfect human beings. No matter how much we try, how much advice or counseling we get, or how old we are or how many years we've been married, we are going to mess up. A lot! And if you cannot forgive each other - a lot - you're in trouble. And if you think you don't mess up, ask your spouse. But be willing to HEAR and ACCEPT the answer.
Sometimes it is not easy to forgive. But forgiving really has nothing to do with feelings. You can be mad as can be at your spouse, but you can still forgive by an act of your will. The key is to remember how much you've been forgiven. If you're a Christian, that makes it much easier, because you know how much God has forgiven you. Besides that, if you're a Christian, forgiving is not an option. Read - or reread - Matthew 6:14-15 and Matthew 18:21-35. That pretty much says it all. And the only way we can forgive is with God's forgiveness. And He loves to help us with that! Thank goodness!
If you're not a Christian, please consider what Christ has done for you. He willingly died on the cross in your place in order to pay the penalty that is due for your sins. He was the perfect, sinless Sacrifice and God accepted that. So everything's been done in order for you to be forgiven for ALL your sins - no matter what they are - past, present and future. All God requires you to do is TRUST or BELIEVE in what Christ has done and change the direction of your life by turning to Him as your own personal Savior and Lord. That's it. Easy enough for a child to do.
So always remember that we're all just a bunch of dirty, rotten sinners. If you're a Christian, you are forgiven when you ask God for forgiveness - as is anyone. But we still live in our dirty, rotten flesh, which still rears its ugly head and wants - maybe even demands - its own way. Or it may be gloating in false self-righteousness. So we just have to remind ourselves that we were crucified with Christ so we can live for Him. And living for Him means forgiving - no matter how hard - just like Christ did on the cross: "Then Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.'" Luke 23:34
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Truth About Divorce
This would fit in either one of my blogs, because of its title. This world is so full of lies and deceit about the topic of divorce. Here's what God says about it.
"You cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and crying; So He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with goodwill from your hands. Yet you say, 'For what reason?' Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant. But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. 'For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence.' Says the Lord of hosts. 'Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.' Malachi 2:13-16
"The Pharisees came and asked Him (Jesus), 'Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?' testing Him. And He answered and said to them, 'What did Moses command you?' They said, 'Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to dismiss her.' And Jesus answered and said to them, 'Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. But from the beginning of the creation, God made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." Mark 10:2-9
There you have it. Marriage is a covenant that is never to be broken. God hates divorce. He describes it as violence and treachery. Pretty strong terms. Jesus also says that the reason there is divorce is because people's hearts are hard.
BUT nowhere in the scriptures does it say that a person who is divorced cannot be a Christian or cannot go to heaven. Admittance into heaven is based solely on whether a person has trusted in Jesus Christ alone and His death on the cross as the payment for his sin.
On a personal note, my mother and father were divorced when I was a preschooler. He was an alcoholic. My mother was married and divorced two more times, then married a wonderful man whom she stayed with until he passed away. After that, we were looking at some pictures and talking about my dad and she made this statement: "You know, if I had it to do all over again, I never would have divorced your father."
Having said that, because one of my stepfathers was not only an alcoholic, but verbally abusive and physically abusive to my mom, sometimes divorce is the only option. God NEVER intends for a person or their children to be abused. If a person has tried counseling and tough love with no success, sometimes there just is no choice. If a person continues in an abusive situation, allowing the spouse to continue to abuse her, she is enabling her spouse to sin.
As a child of divorce, I think the best illustration I've ever heard is that divorce is like smearing two sheets of construction paper with glue, sticking them together, letting them dry, and then trying to pull them apart. It's a horrible mess.
Society lies when it says life will be better if you divorce. It won't. It will just be a different pain. And if there are children, not matter how amicable the divorce, they will be scarred for life. But they may also be like Jim and I, whose parents were divorced multiple times. Because of God's grace in our lives and our surrender and commitment of our individual lives to Him and our desire to have Him be the Head of our home, we have been married for 43 years. Only because of Him. Not because we're smart or lucky - just because of Him. He alone can heal the pain of divorce.
"You cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and crying; So He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with goodwill from your hands. Yet you say, 'For what reason?' Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant. But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. 'For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence.' Says the Lord of hosts. 'Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.' Malachi 2:13-16
"The Pharisees came and asked Him (Jesus), 'Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?' testing Him. And He answered and said to them, 'What did Moses command you?' They said, 'Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to dismiss her.' And Jesus answered and said to them, 'Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. But from the beginning of the creation, God made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." Mark 10:2-9
There you have it. Marriage is a covenant that is never to be broken. God hates divorce. He describes it as violence and treachery. Pretty strong terms. Jesus also says that the reason there is divorce is because people's hearts are hard.
BUT nowhere in the scriptures does it say that a person who is divorced cannot be a Christian or cannot go to heaven. Admittance into heaven is based solely on whether a person has trusted in Jesus Christ alone and His death on the cross as the payment for his sin.
On a personal note, my mother and father were divorced when I was a preschooler. He was an alcoholic. My mother was married and divorced two more times, then married a wonderful man whom she stayed with until he passed away. After that, we were looking at some pictures and talking about my dad and she made this statement: "You know, if I had it to do all over again, I never would have divorced your father."
Having said that, because one of my stepfathers was not only an alcoholic, but verbally abusive and physically abusive to my mom, sometimes divorce is the only option. God NEVER intends for a person or their children to be abused. If a person has tried counseling and tough love with no success, sometimes there just is no choice. If a person continues in an abusive situation, allowing the spouse to continue to abuse her, she is enabling her spouse to sin.
As a child of divorce, I think the best illustration I've ever heard is that divorce is like smearing two sheets of construction paper with glue, sticking them together, letting them dry, and then trying to pull them apart. It's a horrible mess.
Society lies when it says life will be better if you divorce. It won't. It will just be a different pain. And if there are children, not matter how amicable the divorce, they will be scarred for life. But they may also be like Jim and I, whose parents were divorced multiple times. Because of God's grace in our lives and our surrender and commitment of our individual lives to Him and our desire to have Him be the Head of our home, we have been married for 43 years. Only because of Him. Not because we're smart or lucky - just because of Him. He alone can heal the pain of divorce.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
THE Most Important Fact
So if I had to pick one thing that is the most important thing to remember when times are rough in your marriage it would be this: Our struggle is NOT against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
That's actually a Bible verse - Ephesians 6:12. God ALWAYS speaks truth in His word. That's not what most of us want to hear. We want someone to tell us how awful our spouse has been and that we shouldn't have to put up with it. Or at the very least, that we are justified in being angry. We love the blame game, don't we? We want someone to make us feel better. We sure don't want to hear that the blame should be put somewhere else - especially somewhere we can't see.
Hollywood likes to portray spiritual forces of evil as demons, vampires, witches, etc., in movies. (And isn't it amazing how much more we see of that as we get closer and closer to the end?) But they don't have a clue. Evil is so much more horrible than any movies Hollywood can produce. It's not anything we should EVER mess with. And one of the reasons it's so horrible is that evil can sometimes be disguised as something or someone beautiful - or even spiritual. 2 Corinthians 11:14 says, "For Satan himself transforms himself into an angel of light. Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also transform themselves into ministers of righteousness, whose end will be according to their works."
Although the spiritual forces of evil can't be everywhere at once, like our omnipresent God Almighty, they are numerous, and they can easily observe our faults and weaknesses. So if they have seen me lose my temper with my husband, they can use that fault against me - unless I'm walking a close walk with the Lord and spending time with Him each day. That's where our strength comes from.
Granted, sometimes we're just dealing with plain ole human sinfulness - ours or our spouse's. But does that really matter? I don't think so. Either way, the evil forces are trying to destroy our marriage - whether by direct influence or by laughing at the chaos of our own sinfulness. That should make us want to do everything within our power to protect and grow our marriage into the God-glorifying relationship and institution that God intends for it to be.
So don't give up, but work hard! More to come!
That's actually a Bible verse - Ephesians 6:12. God ALWAYS speaks truth in His word. That's not what most of us want to hear. We want someone to tell us how awful our spouse has been and that we shouldn't have to put up with it. Or at the very least, that we are justified in being angry. We love the blame game, don't we? We want someone to make us feel better. We sure don't want to hear that the blame should be put somewhere else - especially somewhere we can't see.
Hollywood likes to portray spiritual forces of evil as demons, vampires, witches, etc., in movies. (And isn't it amazing how much more we see of that as we get closer and closer to the end?) But they don't have a clue. Evil is so much more horrible than any movies Hollywood can produce. It's not anything we should EVER mess with. And one of the reasons it's so horrible is that evil can sometimes be disguised as something or someone beautiful - or even spiritual. 2 Corinthians 11:14 says, "For Satan himself transforms himself into an angel of light. Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also transform themselves into ministers of righteousness, whose end will be according to their works."
Although the spiritual forces of evil can't be everywhere at once, like our omnipresent God Almighty, they are numerous, and they can easily observe our faults and weaknesses. So if they have seen me lose my temper with my husband, they can use that fault against me - unless I'm walking a close walk with the Lord and spending time with Him each day. That's where our strength comes from.
Granted, sometimes we're just dealing with plain ole human sinfulness - ours or our spouse's. But does that really matter? I don't think so. Either way, the evil forces are trying to destroy our marriage - whether by direct influence or by laughing at the chaos of our own sinfulness. That should make us want to do everything within our power to protect and grow our marriage into the God-glorifying relationship and institution that God intends for it to be.
So don't give up, but work hard! More to come!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Welcome!
Since I've been happily married to my husband for 43 years and we do marriage mentoring and have lots of marriage resources, I thought I should share some of those resources and experiences with others. I would have loved to have had some help when we started out at 19 and 20 years of age.
My desire is to encourage married people to never give up, but to be willing to work hard at a better understanding of their marriages and thus, better marriages. Obviously this is in no way intended to take the place of good marital counseling. I highly recommend that for couples that are frustrated or considering splitting.
I would love to have some questions or interaction with readers if they want. It's important to know that I am not a trained marriage counselor, but consider myself to be a marriage mentor/encourager. I am a born again Christian, so I communicate from a Christian perspective.
I hope and pray that my words would be a blessing and encouragement to readers.
My desire is to encourage married people to never give up, but to be willing to work hard at a better understanding of their marriages and thus, better marriages. Obviously this is in no way intended to take the place of good marital counseling. I highly recommend that for couples that are frustrated or considering splitting.
I would love to have some questions or interaction with readers if they want. It's important to know that I am not a trained marriage counselor, but consider myself to be a marriage mentor/encourager. I am a born again Christian, so I communicate from a Christian perspective.
I hope and pray that my words would be a blessing and encouragement to readers.
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